Its been a while since I've written, and WOW how things have changed..
Back in December, we were pretty suddenly relocated from everything the kids and I have ever known as home, to another state....in a place we had never even visited. Well thats not true exactly.. The weekend for we got the official confirmation, we took a quick weekend trip to check out our possible new home town..... We went back, and the next day we got the confirmation. This was December 22.. We had Christmas at our home and the moving truck arrived on December 30. New Years Eve 2017 we were in our new home, in our new hometown, in a new state...
Its been a good relocation so far. The kids have adjusted pretty well. *Thankful for facetime, so they can talk to and see their friends anytime they want. For me, its been a bit harder.
You see, I LOVED the church we were in back home. Back home was comfortable for me. The very few (and when I say very few, I mean, like 3, people) that I ever talked to were there. Im an extrovert.. But that doesn't make moving to a new place easy at all. I'm more picky with whom I trust with my friendship now days.. When I was younger I didn't care.. The more friends, the merrier! Not anymore.. Id rather have a few good TRUE honest friends, than a a bunch of backstabbing, just wanna be friends when its convenient for them, friends.
I knew back home if I wanted desperately to have a few minutes of Kid free, Talk about crazy things and no I wouldn't be judged, I could pick up the phone and call my best friend, and we could meet on her lunch break for less than an hour and chat... Although this really didn't happen much. *Seriously, maybe twice a year).
Since moving here, I've learned just how lonely life can be. I still talk to my best friend on the phone as much as I can, but its different. I feel like between the kids and their new activities, I'm being pulled in so many different ways, and still have made NO friends. The churches we have been visiting are great, but they are mega churches with anywhere from 15 thousand to thirty thousand people. Which makes it impossible to actually meet Christian friends. Unfortunately, even though they do "small groups" types things, its always at a time when there is no way I can make it.
The hardest part it seems, is knowing that GOD brought us here for a reason...They way the timeline worked and how everything was pieced together for this move, its the only explanation. Its a GOD THING., but I feel further from God than Ive ever been. It feels as I hardly have a relationship with him any more. When I pray, I feel nothing. Maybe I am doing it wrong? All I know is something is going on and I don't like it. My life feels like turmoil nonstop.. When one things starts going good, twelve things start going back. My relationship with my kids is strained to the max.
If im being one hundred percent honest... It feels like they would rather me be a silent mute and be non existent than ever even talk to them. I can look at them and say Good Morning and it starts an argument. (Yep that's my superpower.. I can walk into the room, and make people mad without even talking!)
I feel as though Im trying so hard to raise respectful, obedient and Godly children/teens and yet at the same time Im doing something incredibly wrong to have this sort of disrespect from all angles.
Now, I know I could possibly sit back and not try to discipline my children when Ive asked a million times to do something, and they don't do it.. but to me.. That is just wrong. I'm trying to teach them!
Who knew that by asking your seven year old to brush her hair that world war III would break out and you become the most hated villain in the world by everyone in your family....
Oh and the weight gain! Goodness gracious, Ive gained a little over 20 lbs in just six months! Its insane! I feel like there are days where I hardly even eat. and yet still gain weight.. That part is just miserable! and it really puts a damper on your self confidence!!!
If you've read this far, I promise I have a great life! My husband is a great provider and has been since we married...He works hard at his job and loves his kids...and I know I shouldn't come off like I'm complaining, but I'm not going to hide my feelings because I know they are real.
Once upon a time, I use to be a strong, confident woman/girl..and while I've always cared what other people have thought, I wouldn't ever knowingly put someone down or hurt their feelings..I know without a doubt that I am nowhere near that person today..... Im at the tail end of finishing my masters degree and yet, I feel like I have lost myself somewhere in the last fifteen years. Its like I have taken on just the identity of wife and mom, but somehow hidden everything else.
I read somewhere this happens to a lot of moms/wives. They lose site of who they were and become miserable and depressed..Because you take on this role where your kids and your husband are more important than anything else in the world and you will do whatever you can to make sure they have food, clean clothes, and are healthy. You take care of them when they are sick..etc.. but you've lost site of who you are to the point when you finally get a few minutes or an hour completely alone, you have NO IDEA what to do with yourself...
but I feel like it doesn't have to be this way.. You can get your identity back, while still being a great mom and a great wife.... Im not exactly sure how but Im going to work on it.
I'm no good to anyone, if I can't be the person that God wants me to be.....I just gotta figure out how to find him again, and how to get that relationship back....
This may not make sense to anyone out there, and then again, you could be reading this thinking "I could have written this"... if you have read this far, thank you for reading my nonsense musings....
Back in December, we were pretty suddenly relocated from everything the kids and I have ever known as home, to another state....in a place we had never even visited. Well thats not true exactly.. The weekend for we got the official confirmation, we took a quick weekend trip to check out our possible new home town..... We went back, and the next day we got the confirmation. This was December 22.. We had Christmas at our home and the moving truck arrived on December 30. New Years Eve 2017 we were in our new home, in our new hometown, in a new state...
Its been a good relocation so far. The kids have adjusted pretty well. *Thankful for facetime, so they can talk to and see their friends anytime they want. For me, its been a bit harder.
You see, I LOVED the church we were in back home. Back home was comfortable for me. The very few (and when I say very few, I mean, like 3, people) that I ever talked to were there. Im an extrovert.. But that doesn't make moving to a new place easy at all. I'm more picky with whom I trust with my friendship now days.. When I was younger I didn't care.. The more friends, the merrier! Not anymore.. Id rather have a few good TRUE honest friends, than a a bunch of backstabbing, just wanna be friends when its convenient for them, friends.
I knew back home if I wanted desperately to have a few minutes of Kid free, Talk about crazy things and no I wouldn't be judged, I could pick up the phone and call my best friend, and we could meet on her lunch break for less than an hour and chat... Although this really didn't happen much. *Seriously, maybe twice a year).
Since moving here, I've learned just how lonely life can be. I still talk to my best friend on the phone as much as I can, but its different. I feel like between the kids and their new activities, I'm being pulled in so many different ways, and still have made NO friends. The churches we have been visiting are great, but they are mega churches with anywhere from 15 thousand to thirty thousand people. Which makes it impossible to actually meet Christian friends. Unfortunately, even though they do "small groups" types things, its always at a time when there is no way I can make it.
The hardest part it seems, is knowing that GOD brought us here for a reason...They way the timeline worked and how everything was pieced together for this move, its the only explanation. Its a GOD THING., but I feel further from God than Ive ever been. It feels as I hardly have a relationship with him any more. When I pray, I feel nothing. Maybe I am doing it wrong? All I know is something is going on and I don't like it. My life feels like turmoil nonstop.. When one things starts going good, twelve things start going back. My relationship with my kids is strained to the max.
If im being one hundred percent honest... It feels like they would rather me be a silent mute and be non existent than ever even talk to them. I can look at them and say Good Morning and it starts an argument. (Yep that's my superpower.. I can walk into the room, and make people mad without even talking!)
I feel as though Im trying so hard to raise respectful, obedient and Godly children/teens and yet at the same time Im doing something incredibly wrong to have this sort of disrespect from all angles.
Now, I know I could possibly sit back and not try to discipline my children when Ive asked a million times to do something, and they don't do it.. but to me.. That is just wrong. I'm trying to teach them!
Who knew that by asking your seven year old to brush her hair that world war III would break out and you become the most hated villain in the world by everyone in your family....
Oh and the weight gain! Goodness gracious, Ive gained a little over 20 lbs in just six months! Its insane! I feel like there are days where I hardly even eat. and yet still gain weight.. That part is just miserable! and it really puts a damper on your self confidence!!!
If you've read this far, I promise I have a great life! My husband is a great provider and has been since we married...He works hard at his job and loves his kids...and I know I shouldn't come off like I'm complaining, but I'm not going to hide my feelings because I know they are real.
Once upon a time, I use to be a strong, confident woman/girl..and while I've always cared what other people have thought, I wouldn't ever knowingly put someone down or hurt their feelings..I know without a doubt that I am nowhere near that person today..... Im at the tail end of finishing my masters degree and yet, I feel like I have lost myself somewhere in the last fifteen years. Its like I have taken on just the identity of wife and mom, but somehow hidden everything else.
I read somewhere this happens to a lot of moms/wives. They lose site of who they were and become miserable and depressed..Because you take on this role where your kids and your husband are more important than anything else in the world and you will do whatever you can to make sure they have food, clean clothes, and are healthy. You take care of them when they are sick..etc.. but you've lost site of who you are to the point when you finally get a few minutes or an hour completely alone, you have NO IDEA what to do with yourself...
but I feel like it doesn't have to be this way.. You can get your identity back, while still being a great mom and a great wife.... Im not exactly sure how but Im going to work on it.
I'm no good to anyone, if I can't be the person that God wants me to be.....I just gotta figure out how to find him again, and how to get that relationship back....
This may not make sense to anyone out there, and then again, you could be reading this thinking "I could have written this"... if you have read this far, thank you for reading my nonsense musings....
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